How to Win Friends and Influence People is a book discussing how to be a more persuasive and effective person published in 1937 and written by Dale Carnegie. An effective, potentially useful book, How to Win Friends and Influence People makes for good (that is, illuminating) reading for everyone.
How to Win Friends and Influence People begins with a foreword by Carnegie in which he states that the reason he wrote the book was to provide opportunity for others: if he had it when he was younger, he could have benefited from it greatly. Furthermore, he states that he has the experience needed to write such a book, seeing how he has been offering Carnegie courses at the Carnegie Foundation for the Advancement of Teaching. It should be common knowledge that this world is highly unfair and imperfect: Carnegie describes that more than technical skill and knowledge is needed to make success. In his own words, “even in such technical lines as engineering, about 15 percent of one’s financial success is due to one’s technical knowledge and about 85 percent is due to skill in human engineering-to personality and the ability to lead people.” (13). Carnegie writes that the ability to communicate well with others was a sorely underrepresented skill, seeing all its everyday implications. To write the book, he interviewed many famous people and did much research: “In preparation for this book, I read everything that I could find on the subject - everything from newspaper columns, magazine articles, records of the family courts, the writings of the old philosophers and the new psychologists. In addition, I hired a trained researcher to spend one and a half years in various libraries reading everything I had missed, plowing through erudite tomes on psychology, poring over hundreds of magazine articles, searching through countless biographies, trying to ascertain how the great leaders of all ages had dealt with people. We read their biographies. We read the life stories of all great leaders from Julius Caesar to Thomas Edison. I recall that we read over one hundred biographies of Theodore Roosevelt alone. We were determined to spare no time, no expense, to discover every practical idea that anyone had ever used throughout the ages for winning friends and influencing people. I personally interviewed … world-famous-inventors like Marconi and Edison; political leaders like Franklin D. Roosevelt and James Farley” (14). Carnegie states that his book and the courses which he offered (and are still offered today) primarily target adults, seeing that adults are generally the ones working full-time jobs. Carnegie then provides a few quotes involving education and human potential: “‘Compared to what we ought to be,’ said the famous Professor William James of Harvard, ‘we are only half awake. We are making use of only a small part of our physical and mental resources. Stating the thing broadly, the human individual thus lives far within his limits. He possesses powers of various sorts which he habitually fails to use.’ … ‘Education,’ said Dr. John G. Hibben, former president of Princeton University, ‘is the ability to meet life’s situations.’ … For ‘the great aim of education,’ said Herbert Spencer, ‘is not knowledge but action.’ And this is an action book.” (16-7).
Carnegie states that to begin, one should keep an open mind and be willing to experiment with new things. This attitude can be developed by using your imagination to imagine a better future for yourself. Carnegie recommends that to get the most out of this book, (1) chapters should be read multiple times, (2) the reader should pause occasionally and think about the implications the book has for their life, (3) the book should be marked up, (4) the reader should go over the book in the future to keep the lessons in one’s head, (5) the reader should apply the statements of the book as much as possible in their everyday life, (6) offering a loved one or friend some money every time you act irrationally, (7) undergo intense self-reflection, and (8) take notes when it comes to your progress. Carnegie states that people generally have high views of themselves (even convicted murderers), so one shouldn’t criticize the unsatisfactory behavior of others (every person makes mistakes, including you): instead, one should reward good behavior. In Carnegie’s own words, “Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment. B. F. Skinner, the world-famous psychologist, proved through his experiments that an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior. Later studies have shown that the same applies to humans. By criticizing, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment. Hans Selye, another great psychologist, said, ‘As much as we thirst for approval, we dread condemnation.’” (27). Carnegie elaborates, writing that Taft, even after being ferociously denounced by his former political ally Roosevelt for his policies, didn't see anything remotely wrong with his behavior: he said that he couldn’t have done anything differently. In another incident, there was the Teapot Dome oil scandal: “Albert B. Fall, secretary of the interior in Harding’s cabinet, was entrusted with the leasing of government oil reserves at Elk Hill and Teapot Dome - oil reserves that had been set aside for the future use of the Navy. Did Secretary Fall permit competitive bidding? No sir. He handed the fat, juicy contract outright to his friend Edward L. Doheny. And what did Doheny do? He gave Secretary Fall what he was pleased to call a ‘loan’ of one hundred thousand dollars. Then, in a high-handed manner, Secretary Fall ordered United States Marines into the district to drive off competitors whose adjacent wells were sapping oil out of the Elk Hill reserves. The competitors, driven off their ground at the ends of guns and bayonets, rushed into court - and blew the lid off the Teapot Dome scandal. A stench arose so vile that it ruined the Harding Administration … and put Albert B. Fall behind prison bars … did he repent? Never! Years later Herbert Hoover intimated in a public speech that President Harding’s death had been due to mental anxiety and worry because a friend had betrayed him. When Mrs. Fall heard that, she sprang from her chair, she wept, she shook her fists at fate and screamed: ‘What! Harding betrayed by Fall? No! My husband never betrayed anyone. This whole house full of gold would not tempt my husband to do wrong. He is the one who has been betrayed and led to the slaughter and crucified.’” (28-9). Carnegie reiterates that rationalization is used by most humans to justify their terrified behavior (ex. the Nazis believed they were doing the right thing when they exterminated entire populations of people, and the Soviets justified the tortures and executions of millions of their own fellow citizens on the grounds that there were supposedly enemies hidden in plain sight). Carnegie then writes of Abraham Lincoln: as a young man he had quite a bit of sass, seeing how he enjoyed criticizing others. However, one time he almost ruined himself: he insulted an arrogant politician named James Shields. Shields challenged Lincoln to a duel, and just before they fought, they decided against it. This lesson clearly demonstrated to Lincoln that insulting others didn't help at all: on the contrary, it made things worse. Lincoln practiced temperance in his words for the rest of his life: he had a huge amount of control over himself. To name just one incident, General Meade could’ve won the Civil War at the Battle of Gettysburg: although Lincoln ordered him to quickly overtake Lee’s forces after the victory, Meade procrastinated for what seemed like an eternity, allowing Lee to escape and the Civil War to continue. Lincoln was enraged, and wrote a letter reprimanding Meade. However, the letter was never sent: Lincoln knew that berating him would only make things worse, not to mention that it’s quite likely that he practiced some empathy. In Carnegie’s own words, “My guess is - and this is only a guess - that after writing that letter, Lincoln looked out of the window and said to himself, ‘Just a minute. Maybe I ought not to be so hasty. It is easy enough for me to sit here in the quiet of the White House and order Meade to attack; but if I had been up at Gettysburg, and if I had seen as much blood as Meade has seen during the last week, and if my ears had been pierced with the screams and shrieks of the wounded and dying, maybe I wouldn’t be so anxious to attack either. If I had Meade’s timid temperament, perhaps I would have done just what he had done. Anyhow, it is water under the bridge now.” (31).
Carnegie writes that before condemnation is given to others, one should focus on their own faults and ways they can improve themself. As Confucius said, “Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof when your own doorstep is unclean.” As Carnegie recollected, “Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness.” (35-6). Carnegie then tellingly writes that people desire many things, but one of the main ones is the desire for importance: most people desire compliments because they validate their existence, a fact that can clearly be seen in how many powerful people desire even more power. This is also seen with insanity: Carnegie writes that half of all cases of insanity are due to injury or medical conditions, while the other half frequently see cases of people going mad to escape from the harsh reality they find themselves in. For instance, a woman who had gone insane had wanted a romantic partner and a good life: when she married, she was denied all her wants, and when she went insane, she became a happier person. Though she was ignorant of reality, her presiding physician says that if he was given the opportunity to make her become sane, he wouldn’t, seeing that she’s happier in her current state. Carnegie tellingly writes, “Life wrecked all her dream ships on the sharp rocks of reality; but in the sunny, fantasy isles of insanity, all her barkentines race into port with canvas billowing and winds singing through the masts … If some people are so hungry for a feeling of importance that they actually go insane to get it, imagine what miracles you and I can achieve by giving people honest appreciation on this side of insanity.” (41). Carnegie writes that to appeal to one’s need for appreciation, the said complimenter shouldn’t flatter: although it’s true some people will accept flattery, seeing how deprived they may be of genuine warmth, flattery generally does more harm than good to both parties in the long-run. Therefore, it is highly advised to give praise that is as honest and sincere as possible: “The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned … When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95 percent of our time thinking about ourselves. Now, if we stop thinking about ourselves for a while and begin to think of the other person’s good points, we won’t have to resort to flattery so cheap and false that it can be spotted almost before it is out of the mouth. One of the most neglected virtues of our daily existence is appreciation.” (45-6). Carnegie writes of an incident in which complimenting people ameliorated the situation: a janitor who did a poor job was given praise in front of others, causing him to work harder to maintain his newfound reputation. In the end, he did all his work without much of an issue. Carnegie then provides the following: “I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again … Give honest, sincere appreciation. Be ‘hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise,’ and people will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime - repeat them years after you have forgotten them.” (47).
Carnegie then states that if a person can make others enthusiastic, they wouldn’t have much of a problem. Furthermore, it is noteworthy to mention that this isn’t hard to do in itself: it just requires practice, seeing that making others enthusiastic about something generally means looking at the situation from their point of view. To translate this concept into deeds, let others know of how they’ll benefit if they do something you want, and use polite language as the icing on the cake. Carnegie’s next tip of advice is to be genuinely interested in others: this will cause them to be more inclined to offer you something in return, and can be genuinely helpful. Carnegie then writes that smiling is an extremely effective way to get people to like you, seeing how “the expression one wears on one’s face is far more important than the clothes one wears on one’s back.” The importance of smiling can be seen in dogs: humans, being barbaric animals, don’t hesitate to dismember, torture, and callously murder pigs, goats, chickens, and cows, though we spare dogs only so they can make us happy with their smile (without the correct facial expression, people would’ve made an appetite out of them). Carnegie then states that to smile, people should force themselves to do so, and to fake it until they make it - “Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to make you happy. Here is the way the psychologist and philosopher William James put it: ‘Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not. ‘Thus the sovereign voluntary path to cheerfulness, if our cheerfulness be lost, is to sit up cheerfully and to act and speak as if cheerfulness were already there….’” (78). Therefore, happiness consists of self-deception and controlling the range of one’s consciousness. When it comes to happiness, one’s mental attitude can make all the difference, as what may be one person’s hell can be another’s heaven. Carnegie ends his discussion of the smile with the following sentences (used by sales clerks): “It costs nothing, but creates much. It enriches those who receive, without impoverishing those who give. It happens in a flash and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever. None are so rich they can get along without it, and none so poor but are richer for its benefits. It creates happiness in the home, fosters good will in a business, and is the countersign of friends. It is rest to the weary, daylight to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and Nature’s best antidote for trouble. Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is no earthly good to anybody till it is given away.” (80-1). Carnegie then instructs the reader to ingratiate themselves to others by calling them by their first name: “Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.” (89). This concept is easily explainable: people want something to differentiate themselves from others, and many people are afraid of death, hence why they want their name to be remembered (to no avail, however: sooner or later humanity will go extinct, and its existence will be completely forgotten - at the very latest, the heat death of the universe will wipe out all traces of humanity, and all other life on Earth, for that matter). Carnegie writes that calling people by their first names is a viable strategy for every individual, from waiters to corporate leaders.
Carnegie comes to describe that to be appreciated by many, it is highly encouraged to be a “good” conversationalist by listening attentively to what others have to say, as that will give them an opportunity to vent their frustration and to satisfy their egos (humanity, of course, is an arrogant and narcissistic species - we can be appropriately named Homo Narcissus, seeing that we are in no way truly intelligent, seeing our seemingly never-ending conflicts and stupidities). He goes so far as to say the following (quite bluntly, but it is true, showing how disappointing reality is): “Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems. A person’s toothache means more to that person than a famine in China which kills a million people. A boil on one’s neck interests one more than forty earthquakes in Africa. Think of that the next time you start a conversation.” (97). Carnegie gives one instance of this happening: a man enraged at a telephone company wouldn’t stop threatening to sue it until an employee of the said company allowed him to rant for almost three hours about how much he despises the service he got. After he finished expressing himself, the man stopped filing complaints and moved on with his life. Yet another method for being a good conversationalist is to deliberately talk about what interests the other person, as that will provide them with an opportunity to rave about something which makes them feel vibrant and alive. Another piece of advice that will go nicely with the previous few is to make the other person feel important in your words: pay attention to the environment around you while doing so. Carnegie tells the reader to avoid arguing, even if it is done out of good-will, seeing that humans as a whole are pompous, arrogant animals (I highly recommend The Selfish Ape by Nicholas Money on this subject) who love to think of themselves as “important” (despite our cosmic insignificance). Carnegie describes, “Distrust your first instinctive impression. Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst, not your best. Control your temper. Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry. Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to build bridges of understanding. Don’t build higher barriers of misunderstanding … Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully. And mean it. Your opponents may be right. It is a lot easier at this stage to agree to think about their points than to move rapidly and find yourself in a position where your opponents can say: ‘We tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen.’” (119). Another reason that this piece of advice can be very useful is that even if you’re right in your argument (objectively, ex. when you argue that the earth is round with a flat-earther and that evolution did indeed occur randomly and unguided by any divine entity), the other person will continue to silently disagree and to dislike you, seeing that humans are far from rational, logical animals (to our mass detriment).
Carnegie states that one should remain skeptical and open-minded: respect should be paid to the opinions of others, seeing how every person is fallible and capable of making mistakes. Carnegie then calls for people to admit to their mistakes quickly and with little resistance: any person can defend their actions, however terrible they may be, which makes acknowledging one’s vulnerabilities and biases all the more important. Carnegie cites Pickett’s Charge as an excellent example of owning up to mistakes: Lee, who ordered the charge, was full of guilt for the thousands of soldiers who had been killed and wounded due to his overconfidence, and told the survivors that he was to blame and no one else. He also asked Jefferson Davis, the president of the Confederacy, for permission to resign, but was denied. If you want friendly discourse, feel free to begin in a way that is friendly and understanding: attacking your opponent and stating that you’re most definitely right does more harm than good. As Abraham Lincoln once said, “A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.” Another method that is effective in conversations (especially debates) is to have the other party give “yes” as answers at the onset: this will make them more receptive to your position, so long as you are careful with what you say and retain some semblance of logic. Socrates himself used this method: “His whole technique, now called the ‘Socratic method,’ was based upon getting a ‘yes, yes’ response. He asked questions with which his opponent would have to agree. He kept on winning one admission after another until he had an armful of yeses. He kept on asking questions until finally, almost without realizing it, his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes previously.” (148). Carnegie again calls for the reader to let the person they’re talking to do most of the talking, and he says that when they give ideas to others, they should make them feel the ideas were theirs. This is excellently seen how, in one incident, an artist who had trouble selling his sketches sold many more after asking his clients for ideas. In another incident, Woodrow Wilson passed off as his own an idea that was in fact generated by Colonel Edward M. House: he told Wilson of a potential policy, only to be struck down by Wilson’s dissatisfaction. However, a few days later, Wilson came to agree with the policy, clearly demonstrating that sometimes soft suggestions do more than ferocious reasoning (which can be tied to a key concept of Taoism: a peaceful stream can greatly alter the surface of hard rocks when given enough time). Carnegie moves on by reiterating the importance of looking at something from the perspective of the other individual: once, a woman who was behind in her car payment (six weeks) got an aggressive phone call from a worker of the company. Though he was quite angry, she remained calm and apologized for causing him inconvenience. In response, “‘His tone of voice changed immediately, and he reassured me that I was far from being one of his really troublesome customers. He went on to tell me several examples of how rude his customers sometimes were, how they lied to him and often tried to avoid talking to him at all. I said nothing. I listened and let him pour out his troubles to me. Then, without any suggestion from me, he said it did not matter if I couldn’t pay all the money immediately. It would be all right if I paid him $20 [she was behind by $122] by the end of the month and made up the balance whenever it was convenient for me to do so.’” (161). Carnegie details the importance of sympathy: it is so craved by many people that some deliberately inflict injuries to themselves in order to receive some. Furthermore, most people recollect their various ills for the sole purpose of attaining some form of solidarity and recognition. As Mephistopheles from Faust once noted, “Wretches find comfort in fellow sufferers.” Carnegie advises for the readers to appeal to other people’s vanity to get them to cooperate with you: for instance, instead of threatening someone smoking near young children to not do so because they can be punished for engaging in that behavior, tell them that they’re potentially harming the children, not only themselves. This concept is closely tied to dramatization: people love seeing a visual representation of what you’re offering them, seeing that they want to see concrete phenomena in front of them, not hypothetical ones inside their craniums. Carnegie clarifies that a fantastic way to motivate people is by giving them a challenge, as many studies have shown that employees who are genuinely interested in their work tend to remain in their occupations for longer periods of time than those who don’t.
Before one gives feedback on one’s problems, it is heavily advised to begin positively so as to open up the mind of the recipient. When it comes to how to criticize and to simultaneously avoid being loathed, an effective method is replacing “but” with “and,” seeing how “and” is constructive in nature while “but” generally creates a feeling of being let down (hearer of the information may expect more praise only to be disappointed in themselves upon hearing criticism). As Carnegie detailed, “‘We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better.’ In this case, Johnnie might feel encouraged until he heard the word ‘but.’ He might then question the sincerity of the original praise. To him, the praise seemed only to be a contrived lead-in to a critical inference of failure. Credibility would be strained, and we probably would not achieve our objectives of changing Johnnie’s attitude toward his studies. This could be easily overcome by changing the word ‘but’ to ‘and.’ ‘We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others.’ Now, Johnnie would accept the praise because there was no follow-up of an inference of failure. We have called his attention to the behavior we wished to change indirectly and the chances are he will try to live up to our expectations.” (189). Overall, this strategy can be summarized as: “Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.” (190). Carnegie again focuses on the concept of fallibility: he says that if one needs to criticize others, they should criticize themselves, seeing that every individual has probably made some extremely stupid mistakes. For instance, when Carnegie’s niece came to work for him as a secretary, she made some mistakes. While he was somewhat frustrated by her ineptness, he reminded himself that when he was her age and had no business experience, he wasn’t better than her at all, not to mention that at that point in time he was twice as old as her, thereby revealing a massive disparity when it comes to their experience. Therefore, when he talked to her about her errors, he first stated that when he was her age he had made tremendously unintelligent decisions before going on to correct her. Another method of persuasion is to ask questions instead of giving imperative commands: asking questions generally leads to responses being received, which makes the person answering the question feel more motivated to do a good job, as they feel like their opinion has been heard (causing them to assume that their opinion matters). Of course, there’s the issue of bossiness: no one wants to follow a leader who lacks empathy and seems to have an abnormally large ego. A major principle to follow for not only criticism, but life itself, is to allow other people to save face, to retain a portion of their dignity: damaging their self-esteem and making them feel embarrassed will do nothing but alienate and antagonize them. Carnegie reiterates the importance of praise: it is so easy to do yet utterly transformative, making it a behavior that should be widely practiced, seeing that those who are praised can become happier individuals. Carnegie provides the readers with people who were in the gutters but were saved only by a little praise, H. G. Wells and Charles Dickens being some of the names mentioned (they both slaved away for terrible wages in their younger years in loathsome conditions - H. G. Wells swore he would kill himself if he had to work his job any longer, and Dickens was so ashamed of his writing that he would bring his manuscripts to the publishers during the night).
Carnegie then states that genuinely believing in others and giving them a reputation to uphold is a great way of giving them an incentive: most people will try to maintain a sense of self-respect that is present in their reputation. “In short, if you want to improve a person in a certain aspect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics. Shakespeare said ‘Assume a virtue, if you have it not.’ And it might be wise to assume and state openly that other people have the virtue you want them to develop. Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.” (205). On the contrary, you have the following phrase (which does ring true, as it is a powerful summary of the vicious circle): “Give a dog a bad name and you may as well hang him.” Carnegie describes that when it comes to improvements, you should try to make them seem easier (including helping the person if they need any help), as companionship and reassurance could do wonders. Carnegie states that it is also very effective to make the other person glad to do what you want them to do: this can be done by appointing titles, even imaginary ones. He writes that even Napoleon heavily engaged in this: “Childish? Perhaps. But that is what they said to Napoleon when he created the Legion of Honor and distributed 15,000 crosses to his soldiers and made eighteen of his generals ‘Marshals of France’ and called his troops the ‘Grand Army.’ Napoleon was criticized for giving ‘toys’ to war-hardened veterans, and Napoleon replied, ‘Men are ruled by toys.’” (214). Carnegie provides a list of attributes an effective leader should possess: (1) sincerity (don’t promise what you can’t deliver - focus on how to help the other person), (2) knowing your ultimate goal, (3) practicing empathy, (4) knowing what is available for the other person, (5) trying to provide the other person with what you promised, and (6) always letting the other person know in your speech of how they will benefit if they do what you ask. Carnegie ends his book by writing that if one follows the techniques he outlined in his book, they’ll be more likely to be successful: even though success is never guaranteed, it is still a worthy goal to try for whenever possible. As he put it himself, “It is naive to believe you will always get a favorable reaction from other persons when you use these approaches, but the experience of most people shows that you are more likely to change attitudes this way than by not using these principles - and if you increase your successes by even a mere 10 percent, you have become 10 percent more effective as a leader than you were before - and that is your benefit.” (215).
Note: I used the page citations in reference to the Pushpak Publications edition of How to Win Friends and Influence People.
Personal thoughts:
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie is an informative, entertaining, and powerful book due to the various anecdotes present, which adds to its practicality. In my opinion, the vast majority of Carnegie’s pieces of advice are effective and fantastic, seeing how they all make sense and can easily be implemented in everyday behavior if one just pays attention to incorporate them in their life. I greatly enjoyed the book and highly recommend How to Win Friends and Influence People to anyone interested in practical knowledge, human nature and relations, and anecdotes.
Get the book:
Comments